ʏᴀ ɴᴏ ʜᴀʏ ᴀʀᴍᴀs ᴇɴ ᴇʟ ᴠᴀʟʟᴇ

WANTED, a respectable Human Person of any sex as ASSISTANT to GENTLEMEN. Required to be of strong mental and physical constitution. Must be able to read and write, be well acquainted with domestic service (e.g., laundry, cleaning; cooking not required), and fully housebroken. Work involves late hours and occasional duties as arbiter. Butchery skills preferred. Wages to be discussed. For particulars, enquire by telephone in the evening until 4 o'clock in the morning.

HELP
NEED MAN SLAYV OR WOMAN SLAYV FOR GENTLEMAN OR SUMPREME VIZAORY NOW!!  NO MUNNY!!! FREE CHIKKEN.
MUST BE STROWNG BODDIED AND KIND. BED PRAVIDED FOR SLEEPING ETC. 

BANAFITS: 
HANSUM MASTARS
NO MUNNY 
LIEFLONG FRENDSHIP AND LOYLETY.